TW: discussion of suicidal ideation
Sappy post ahead, but today is a big day.
Two years ago, I was discharged from the hospital for suicidal ideation for the fourth and (hopefully) the last time. I had just been in the hospital for a week, then spent less than twelve hours at home, came very close to attempting suicide, was sent back to the ER by friends, spent twenty-two hours in the ER (op-ed about this), and then was admitted to another hospital for a week. It was the end of a chaotic, and frankly hellish, two weeks.
Recovery didn’t happen overnight from that hospitalization, but it was an identifiable step in my journey. It was when I felt heard by doctors. It was when I let myself actually cry and feel for the first time in months. And it was when I agreed with myself to take suicide off the table, for at least a year. Then I could reconsider. But I never needed to because by then I was on the right meds, therapy was working, and I was feeling so much better.
Maybe it’s emotional and cheesy and sappy, but I’m really proud of myself.
To celebrate, I put together a gift of love to myself. It’s almost my birthday, and this is kind of like a birthday in a way. Each item has a connection (sometimes funny) to where I’ve been and where I am now.
- Fun, cat socks to wear instead of hospital socks.
- My next supply of meds because gotta have those. #selfcare
- Scrunchies. For whatever reason, I wasn’t allowed scrunchies in the first hospital, and it has become a running joke with friends.
- Valentines to write for family and friends. I love snail mail.
- Fancy-pantsy chapstick. I was never assertive enough to ask for chapstick in the hospital, and it was painful.
- Underwear. Weird, but one hospital lost my underwear, so I had none the whole week, and it’s kind of hilarious.
- A book of poetry about life and recovery. Haven’t read it yet, but I hope it’s good!
- Real silverware like you couldn’t have in the hospital. Jk, it’s kid Toy Story silverware because that’s cuter.
- Chocolate ice cream, because there’s no celebration without chocolate ice cream. Also, once a very sweet nurse called to the kitchen to get me some.
- And some new purple pens for writing good into the world.